I'm sorry, I'm not in at the moment...

Richard Kennaway

Holy prior commitment to open a supermarket! Batman is not available to answer the Batphone right now, but leave a message on the Batanswering machine and he'll race to the scene of the crime as soon as he gets back.

I'd pick up the phone, but I've got this terrible pain in all the diodes down my left side. Besides, the phone's built into my chest and all I have to do is operate a switch by pure thought, which I did and started a little subroutine to tell you all this, but I can tell you really don't want to talk to me. No-one wants to talk to me, so why am I bothering? Would you like to hear the beeps? Brain the size of a planet, and everyone wants to hear me beep because they think that's what robots do. Oh, all right, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep,.....

Hi, Jesus here. I've got a really busy weekend on at the moment, but I'll get back to you in three days.

Your call has been diverted to Microsoft Technical Support. The software in your phone has expired and may only be used to download a new version. Please use the keypad to supply us with all your personal details, including credit card and social security numbers so that we can provide a personalised communication experience for you.

Ceci n'est pas Magritte.

Hi, this is Charlie Brown, and if you're that red-headed girl from school, then, er, you could leave a message, and, hey, maybe we could go to the cinema together!.... Good grief, this is a stupid idea, no-one's ever going to call me anyway.... [Lucy's voice] Hey, Charlie Brown, are you recording an answering machine message? Hey, look everybody, Charlie Brown's got an answering machine! Charlie Brown's got an answering machine! Let's hear what stupid message he's put on it!

This is the Quaker Meeting House. Please speak when the Lord moves you.

Good morning Mr. Graves. The man whose picture is coming out on your fax is the head of a narcotics ring.....
....disavow any knowledge of your actions. Your telephone will self-destruct in five seconds. Good luck, Jim.

This is the secret police. We already know who you are and where you're calling from. Believe us, it would be in your own interests to talk.

This nonexistent being is devoid of a self-nature, but may conventionally be called Master Nei Ling the Carpenter of Wu Shan. You are hanging from a precipice by a strawberry bush between your teeth! A woodpecker is cutting through its roots! Starving tigers prowl below! If you speak, you will fall! If you do not speak, you will fall! Answer without words, after the sound of one hand clapping.

You have opened a channel to Amentupthot'epheton, an Angel of Osiris-Ra. Please listen after the OM.


I'm on a yacht in the Caribbean and you're not. What makes you think I'd be interested in anything you have to say? <click>

You're hearing this cos I ascended in the RAPTURE and you DIDN'T! You're gonna BURN in HELL for ALL ETERNITY and I'm SITTING PRETTY watching you being DROWNED in BOILING LEAD by the DEMONS that you HEATHEN idolaters WORSHIPPED!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Don't leave a fucken message, cos I don't have to listen to YOUR SHIT any more!!!!!!

I'm not available right now either, my answering machine was just feeling lonely and wanted another answering machine to talk to.

© Richard Kennaway, 1999.