28 Muzak Days to Christmas

Muzak™ Technology Corporation is pleased to bring you our Christmas catalogue.

The Muzakman™. Bring elevator music into the 21st century! Throw out your fragile and worn-out Muzak™ CDs! Stop playing the same tracks over and over! The Muzakman™ is the size of an MP3 player and generates an endless stream of ambient music which never repeats, and is always precisely attuned to the desired mood. The secret is in our MuzakMood™ solid-state modules which automatically generate Muzak™ in pseudo-random algorithmic patterns — it’s always different and always the same! Outputs to USB, headphones, or audio amplifier. At work and at home, you need never suffer silence again! $29.95

Muzakman Plus™. The onboard memory of the Muzakman Plus™ can store the contents of up to one hundred MuzakMood™ chips, and adds a scheduling function to automatically choose different MuzakMoods™ throughout the day. Use in the office to ensure a smooth-running day! Start with It’s a Brand New Day! at 9am, switch to Working Lunch at the midday break, and see your workers leave satisfied at the end of the day with Hurry Home Quick. And with our patented seamless segueing from each MuzakMood™ to the next, your employees will hardly notice the Muzak™’s there. But you will see the difference in their productivity and happiness! $49.95

iMuzak™. Muzak™ on your iPhone or iPod! Download this app and listen to Muzak™ all day — it’s always different and always the same! Automatically fades down or out when answering a call, and you can play it to your callers when putting them on hold. Includes all the scheduling functions of Muzakman Plus™. Also available for Android. $9.95 plus $1.99 for each downloadable MuzakMood™.

The Lets-Make-Muzak™ children’s piano learns from your child’s playing, synthesizes Muzak™ to match, and stores it on a MuzakMood™ chip. More real than Memorex™, Lets-Make-Muzak™ MuzakMood™ chips are a living memento of precious moments that you will treasure, playing not merely a single performance, but every performance that your child might have produced. $129.95

Try our special collections!

Christmas Moods™. Christmas Offer! Free through 24 December with Muzakman™, Muzakman Plus™, and iMuzak™, the Christmas Moods™ collection of twelve MuzakMoods™ will give your home or office a wonderful seasonal feeling. Every Christmas can be a white Christmas with the White Christmas MuzakMood™! Includes White Christmas, Jingle Bells, Silent Night, Boxing Day Afternoon (Broken Toys And Flat Batteries), January Sales, and more. For Muzakman Plus™ and iMuzak™ a schedule is included to automatically surround yourself with the perfect moods throughout the holiday season. $9.95 or free with offer.

The Classic Muzak™ Library includes 300 MuzakMood™ interpretations of favorite classical tracks. Turn on an endless stream of Beethoven, Brahms, or Mantovani at the flick of a switch! The Holy Waffles MuzakMood™ is especially popular with vicars for enhancing the atmosphere of their churches, and 5,000,000 Vivaldi Concertos can be heard in better bookshops everywhere. $9.95 each.

MuzakWorld™. Create instant ambience for your Indian restaurant, Buddhist meditation group, Irish theme pub, or Chinese supermarket, with the essence of Muzak™ drawn from cultures all over the world. $9.95 each.

Night Muzak™. A collection of soft mixtures of Muzak™ and naturally synthesized nature sounds, designed to be played all night long for the gentlest of dreams. Use with the Muzak Dreams™ soft earphones to wear while you sleep. Earphones $12.95, including one Night Muzak™ module of your choice ($9.95 each for additional modules).

Lost In Muzak™. Stuck on a plane with two hours until touchdown? Bored on a Sunday afternoon? Did you ever want to fast-forward your life to get to the interesting bits? The Lost In Muzak™ MuzakMood™ combines the best Muzak™ with binaurally encoded deep alpha and theta waves to put your brain into a state of suspended consciousness. Just turn on the Muzak™ to turn off and tune out! The hours will fly past without your knowing when you're Lost In Muzak™! $9.95.

HypnoMuzak™. Blending audible and subliminal voice tracks with our most relaxing MuzakMoods™, you can use these to quit smoking, stick to a diet, or study hard for exams. Take control by surrendering control to the Muzak™! $19.95 each.

LoveMuzak™. Perfect moods for all romantic and erotic contexts, to get you and your partner in the mood for anything! Over-18s only. $29.95 – $49.95 each.

Muzak™ for Business.

ElevatorMuzak™. An integrated Muzak™ generator and speaker packaged in any standard lightbulb format. Requires no maintenance! No off switch! Just fit and forget! Contains the renowned Elevator Muzak™ mood chip, which can generate over 100,000 years of elevator Muzak™ without repeating. It’s always different and always the same! Also suitable for entrance lobbies: multiple units automatically synchronize to each other. $12.95 ($10.95 for quantities of 10 or more)

Real Muzak™. For networked offices, gain flexibility and avoid unsightly wiring and speakers with Real Muzak™. The Real Muzak™ software converts any PC into a Muzak™-enabled network appliance, controlled by a central administrator. It runs invisibly in the background without affecting normal use of the computer. You can program all the machines in an office to play the same Muzak™ in unison, or create pools of harmonizing Muzaks™ in different areas of an open plan structure, playing 80wpm in the secretaries’ area, Won’t Keep You A Minute in the visitors’ reception, Coding Groove in the programmers' cubicles, and Is Your Visit Really Necessary? outside the manager’s office door. Take control of your employees’ moods with Real Muzak™! $29.95 for server software + $9.95 per client. Site licensing terms by arrangement.

New! New Ambianz™ technology (patents pending) allows the creation of subliminal ambient moods by our skilled ambience artists, applying sophisticated fractal synthesis technology to authentic natural sounds. Ambianz™ moods create a background ambience that cannot be consciously heard, but which can induce any mood you require. The effectiveness of this product range has been verified in brain scans. Love, Hate, Expectant Hush, Fascinated Attention, Ignore This Idiot, and Fight! are just a few of the moods already available. The perfect solution for managing everything from a romantic encounter to a public address. If you have specific requirements not covered by our current range, please contact us for a consultation. $POA

Coming soon: Ambianz Cinema™! A complete technology suite for adding ambient atmosphere to video and film material in post-production. The ambient artist works with the film director to create an Ambianz™ mood to be generated in the cinema, synchronised to the film, to create the most intensely immersive experience yet! And because the mood is created in real time, always the same yet always different, every viewing of the film will feel fresh and new! Watch out for us at industry meetings and trade fairs. Contact us for news of public demos and access to our evaluation and development program.

Ambianz AV Manager™. A complete solution for creating and controlling the mood of a meeting of any size, large or small. Plays both Muzak™ and Ambianz™ moods. The package installs inconspicuously in the audio-visual booth, and can be controlled over wi-fi by a discreet remote control or an app on your smartphone or laptop. A PowerPoint plug-in allows you to synchronize appropriate moods with a presentation. Ambianz™ moods allow you to take charge of a meeting as never before. Get results on your terms! $POA

Government agencies and contractors: please contact us on your letterhead for details of our complete range of Ambianz™ products and services for crowd control, enhanced interrogation, and institutional management. Export restrictions and security clearances may apply.

© Richard Kennaway, 2015.